I’m making this post because I couldn’t bring myself to type up and complete my Weekly Favorites yesterday. It may seem unimportant, but to me it seemed to be masking a bigger issue.
If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, you may know that I suffer from some mental health issues. It’s a part of my life that I am working very hard on, and constantly. Different medicines, schedules, diets- these past few years have been full of trial and error.
It’s not a perfect system, but years of hard work have paid off. I get enough sunshine and exercise to make my days better. I take a combination of medicine that does it’s job. Some days are wonderful, and some are not.
The past month or so has been more bad than good. The combined stress of moving to a different state in a month, working 3 different jobs, keeping up with creative projects, etc. have really taken their toll. I have been gaining weight, losing sleep, and dealing with a variety of moods. Because of this, I just haven’t been able to read enough for this week’s favorites post.
My first inclination was to just ignore the lack of a post all together. It doesn’t really matter right? This blog isn’t being read by thousands of people and my book posts are probably not the most popular ones, and yet I want to share this with you all.
If I am going to talk openly about mental health, then I have to talk openly about all of it. I can’t romanticize it and I can’t hide any of it- even the ugly parts. Gaining weight rapidly because I overeat when I’m stressed or upset is shameful to me, something I would never want to openly admit, but it shouldn’t be. If we are going to make any progress with the awful stigmas that surround mental illness, we have to be open. We have to be honest and willing to share our thoughts and feelings.
So here it is. Working hard on your mental health and taking medications is not an instant cure or easy in the least. There are days where I can’t convince myself to go outside or to bathe or even to make breakfast. Sometimes I wake up with anxiety so intense I have to practice breathing exercises to calm down. Mental illness is hard, horrible, and can even seem disgusting.
I am okay with these issues. I remind myself that I am not giving up, I attempt to be kind to myself, and I go to bed knowing and hoping that things will get better. They always do.
I have to love myself. Not so others will, but because others do.
Forgive my personal detour in the middle of the week, I just wanted to be completely honest about what is going on. My weekly favorites will return next week, and hopefully a happier, easier time will as well.